Quiet people and conversation

The topic for this week’s reflection is the question of how one can get someone else to open up in conversation. I feel somewhat uncertain as to the basis or reason for this question. I suppose one purpose would be to discuss the issue that in any classroom, it seems that there is always a group of people who are content to just sit and listen to everyone else talk.

While the topic of getting people to talk in class might be interesting, it is secondary to the real question of “how do you get quiet people to talk?” That is perhaps a rather blunt way of asking how one can get into a deep and meaningful conversation with someone who generally wouldn’t talk about such things. I suppose one answer to the first question might be “why do you need to force quiet people to talk anyways, just leave them alone.” However, I think that this answer misses the point of the true question. The issue is more how you break down barriers between people so that you can engage in a heart to heart conversation with them.

I, by nature, tend to freely share my feelings and emotions. However, I can think of at least a few people who would instantly clam up if I asked them a direct and personal question. Clearly a more subtle and less harsh approach is more appropriate and necessary.

I would begin by talking about something completely unrelated. A low key, comfortable topic can allow you to warm up to each other in a non-threatening way. At some point, I would then try to guide the conversation to the more personal topic, though still in a very general sense. If the other person is perceptive they will probably realize what I are doing; therefore if they end the conversation they are basically saying that they don’t want to talk about it. At this point trying to push the topic would do little or no good, in my opinion. However, if the other person responds, then I would gradually try to dig deeper and deeper until we reached the heart of the issue.

Pushing someone to talk when they don’t want too can actually make them harder to reach. On the other hand, some people do need a little prodding to “get them out of there shell” as it were. (As a side note, I am certainly no expert on this topic, but am merely trying to pull together some thoughts on the subject.) This is a fine line, and varies with each situation. I know that my brother will bluntly tell me if he doesn’t want to talk about something, but my having asked will in no way hinder our relationship. On the other hand, if I make someone I don’t know very well uncomfortable, it might be very difficult, or even impossible to ever establish a close relationship with them.

In general, I would say that am never going to change a person, or be able to force them to talk to me if they don’t want to, just by somehow saying and doing the right thing. However, if I approach someone in a careful and nonthreatening manner, I may be able to convince them that I am someone that they can trust and talk to. This really is the essence of the topic. Trust must be established before people will be willing to open up to each other.